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Director: Adam Ahlbrandt
Writer: Adam Ahlbrandt
Stars: Lily Ahlbrandt, J.D. Brown and Michael Cardinali
What they say: The Burnt House is the story of Megan and Joe, a couple who have recently experienced the death their infant son to SIDS. The tragedy has spawned a rift between the two and driven Megan into a secret affair. After Joe loses his mother to a heart attack the couple moves out to Joe’s rural childhood home seeking a fresh start. Once in the isolated home strange things begin to occur and long kept secrets try and dig their way out of the past. What happened on November 3rd? Will it happen again?
What I say: MY EYES! MY EYES!!! OH, DEAR GOD, MY EYES!!!!
Seriously though, this is perhaps the biggest waste of 87 minutes I have ever experienced in my entire life. No exaggeration. Our story concerns a couple (of horrendous “actors”) who having lost their child to SIDS, move out to the country and yell “Fuck!” a lot. A WHOLE lot.
Apparently there are ghosts or something, who fucking knows? With all the needlessly jarring quick cuts of screaming bloody faces, the loud booming “music” that covers up everything being said except “Fuck!”, and the annoying narration that says exactly nothing, it’s hard to tell what exactly what we are supposed to be getting here. Fuck!
And why even bring the whole SIDS thing into it? It’s barely mentioned. Did the “writer” Google ‘What breaks up couples?’ and hit ‘I’m feeling lucky’? I mean seriously, I think a chimp could make a better film. In my days I have seen A LOT of crap, and now crap has a new king. Hooray! Um, I mean Fuck!
Why am I still writing about this fucking movie, I think I have went insane. Avoid! Avoid at all costs! I think I am going to sue “writer”/”director” Adam Ahlbrandt for time lost and mental anguish. If you ever manage to see this–this– “movie”, you might need this. It’s ok, go ahead, use it. I know I had to.
I’m done typing now…
Film: 0/10 fucks
Blu-Ray: Thrown in the wood chipper. I didn’t want to be responsible for another person being subjected to this. <cries>