If a film reviewer cries until his eyes melt, does any body care?

Wriiten, Directed, and Starring… Aw, who cares? I sure don’t…

What they say: It’s the closing night at the last drive-in theater in America and Cecil B. Kaufman (Hatchet’s Richard Riehle) has planned the ultimate marathon of lost film prints to unleash upon his faithful cinephile patrons. Four films so rare that they have never been exhibited publicly on American soil until this very night! What could possibly go wrong?
In the spirit of classic anthology films like Creepshow and Twilight Zone: The Movie and containing films that not only celebrate the golden age of drive-in B horror shlock but also span over four decades of cinema, Chillerama offers something for every bad taste. With titles like Wadzilla, I Was a Teenage Werebear, The Diary of Anne Frankenstein, and Zom-B-Movie and featuring appearances by Joel David Moore (Avatar), Lin Shaye (Insidious), Ray Wise (X-Men: First Class), Kane Hodder (Friday the 13th), Eric Roberts (The Dark Knight) and more cameos than you can count, Chillerama is sure to have you screaming for more. From the depraved minds of Adam Rifkin (Detroit Rock City), Tim Sullivan (2001 Maniacs), Adam Green (Frozen), and Joe Lynch (Wrong Turn 2).

What I say: Wow, long winded much? Seriously, you know how the jackass that’s always yapping is doing so because he knows he’s a douche, but he wants attention? That description above is just like that. In my short career as film editor here at About Heroes, this is the second time I have curled up in a ball and cried after seeing a “movie”. The first was The Burnt House, and now we have Chillerama. (cries)

In order to effectively parody something, you must have at least a smidge of respect toward the source material. These four jackasses obviously don’t. What we have here is two hours (of your life you will NEVER get back) of inept, unfunny crap. There was one joke in the entire movie I found funny. ONE! That’s it. And, I’ll be kind and not spoil it, you should get at least one chuckle if you ever get tricked into seeing this seemingly never ending cesspool of a “film”.

I mean honestly look at the credits, that should be the first sign that you are sacrificing precious seconds of your life that you could be enjoying. While I think they are crappy film makers I at least understand how Tim Sullivan, Adam Green, and Joe Lynch could rook some unsuspecting film producer into making this shit, but where the fuck did Adam Rifkin come from? Was he hitchhiking? Lost? Passed out drunk behind the studio? I mean he has never even made a fucking horror movie. My head hurts! GAH!

And, I swear to God these imbeciles must either be retarded special or stuck forever at 12 years old. Unless everybody still thinks gay jokes (Closeted homosexuals?), rapes, and dick jokes are funny. HAW HAW HAW, that’s good shit!

I mean seriously, First, we have Wadzilla about a giant sperm who blows up and gets cum on every bodies faces. HAW HAW HAW! Then, there’s I was a Teenage Werebear. They’re gay! Ther’re bears! Funny right? NO! Then we have the majesty of Diary of Anne Frankenstein. HAW HAW HAW! Then (Sit down, you might not be ready for the extreme wit) there’s Zom-B Movie…get it? Zom-B Movie (cries). I am crying because it’s soo true! Yeah!

And seriously we are still doing fake scratches and film damage? Seriously? It’s almost 2012. I mean c’mon 2005 called, it wants it’s gimmick back.

So, now you might ask? Which was worse, Chillerama or The Burnt House? That’s a hard (HAW HAW HAW!) decision. That’s like asking which is better; getting smacked in the mouth or punched in the mouth? Sure, they both suck. Who could choose? Tim Sullivan? Ok, I’ve had enough. Bye bye. (Cries)

Film: 4/10 homophobes
DVD: Currently acting as a coaster for my Sam Adams…

Chillerama is also available on Blu-Ray but who fucking cares.